Christmas at Strong!

"Children's Hospitals" have come a long way in the past 50 or so years. What started out as white sterile environments - became this:

These are pictures of the pediatric floor at Strong Memorial Hospital. There are a whole lot more "colorful walls" than what you see here! The floor contains a total of 6 medical units

1. Medical / surgical recovery unit

2. Intermediate Care unit

3. Medical unit

4. Adolescent unit

5. Pediatric cardiac ICU

6. Pediatric ICU

This floor is specifically a medical floor. Other services that are available for children in this hospital aren't in these units. For example: Pediatric mental health has it's own floor in the Behavioral Sciences section of the hospital. Birthing units and NICU are the floor below and bone marrow transplants for all patients are done on the 8th floor.) Strong Memorial Hospital is a huge medical complex. The hospital, the University and it's satellite facilities take up several city blocks.

Besides the patient units; this floor has a Ronald McDonald House parent coffee lounge - (of which the door you see above), a play deck - (not pictured), a school room - (which was closed because it was Christmas break), and a "Child Life" movie / toy loan closet - (the door of which is pictured above with the other clown on it0.

All this of course is in here:

Any one who's familiar with Rochester NY - knows this place!

And now so does this child!

This is my son - "Boo"

He's 7 years old and he has Epilepsy.

He was here for what is called "Long Term Monitoring" (LTM)

LTM is a diagnostic tool used to help doctors learn about a person's seizures. It is done on both children and adults; of which the objective is to capture a seizure on the EEG and on a video monitor. An EEG is a machine that records brain wave activity. Certain "abnormalities" in an EEG can be indicative of certain diseases, disabilities or medical conditions. A video monitor is also used in the LTM. Each LTM room is equipped with a video camera, the EEG recording equipment, a computer (part of the EEG machinery) and breathing resuscitation equipment - should a patient stop breathing during a seizure.

The patient has electrodes affixed (literally glued) to their head and EKG leads attached to their chest. LTM can last anywhere from a few days to two weeks. It all depends on how long it takes a patient to have a seizure, or how long the patient or parent can tolerate being hospitalized. The leads to the EEG are attached to a box that is put in a bag (or back pack) in which the patient wears. From this box there is a cable that attaches to the wall where the computer is. In addition, there is a monitor out in the nurse's station which sets off an alarm if the EEG records certain wave patterns that it interprets as "an event". If the patient (or parent) thinks a seizure is occurring (or about to occur) there is a button attached to the EEG box which marks the place on the EEG in which the suspected event has happened. At this particular hospital, all EEG's are also monitored by technicians up on the 5th floor. (Adult LTM is on the 5th floor.) If the techs see something obvious, they will also mark it for the doctors to review later.

Due to the equipment and the fact that patients are tethered to the wall and watched on video camera; (except when in the bathroom) LTM can be extremely boring. The newer EEG units have "break out" recording capacity where the patient can be detached from the wall and leave the room. The EEG will run on a battery for about an hour. This of course requires permission of the doctor. My son was allowed 1/2 hour a day to "go off the wall". as we called it. Being able to leave the room is highly dependent on what type of seizures a person has and when they are most likely to occur. 45% of Epilepsy patients only have seizures in their sleep and since this is the case with my son - his doctor allowed him a half hour a day to go to the play deck or walk the halls of the hospital.

When a patient goes for LTM; the doctors usually wean them off their meds and see what happens. Consequently, it's not uncommon for 3 to 4 days to pass before a seizure appears. Some people's brains a very stubborn though, and they can be in the hospital the full two weeks without ever having a seizure. This is what happened with my son. He was there 11 days with no obvious seizure.

So, if someone doesn't have a seizure - how do you know if they really have Epilepsy or not?

Diagnosis

The presence of an underlying seizure disorder can usually be seen by certain abnormalities on an EEG. These abnormalities are called epiliformic discharges. Where the discharges occur in the brain is usually indicative of what kind of seizure disorder the person has. Discharges in the temporal lobes are associated with Complex Partial seizures. Discharges in the occipital lobes are associated with hallucinatory seizures. These "partial seizures" are as indicated by their name. They only involve part of the brain.

Discharges all over the brain though, are associated with a generalized seizure disorder. The "size" (htz of electrical discharge produced) and length of the discharge can also be indicative of the type of seizure a person will have. Large long discharges are more likely associated with "Grand Mal" (of which there is a wide variety of "Grand Mal" seizures) and smaller shorter discharges are more likely associated with "Peti Mal" or "blank stare" seizures.

Seizure disorders come sort of "Al Cart". Any one patient could have multiple types of seizures and one type of seizure disorder can "morph" into another type of seizure disorder. A complex partial can travel from one part of the brain to another (that's called a secondary seizure); complex partials can become generalized seizures and generalized seizures can produce a wide variety of behavioral changes in a single individual. (Tonic - entire body becomes stiff, Clonic - shaking, Tonic Clonic - stiffness followed by shaking, Myoclonic - short small jerks, Drop - total loss of muscle control and consciousness; this type of seizure looks a lot like fainting spells.)

For all the "varieties" of "Grand Mal" (generalized seizures) there are; there are 10 times as many different types of partial seizures. The manifestations of partial seizures depends on where the seizure occurs in the brain. The behavior observed in a partial seizure could look similar to what we generally associate a seizure to look like; or they could look totally different. This is where the tricky part of diagnosis can come in. There are some seizures which have striking similarities to some sleep disorders. Is it a night terror or is it a seizure? Some times that's not easy to tell, since a lot of nocturnal seizures occur in stage II sleep; which is also where a lot of sleep disorders occur. In the case of my son. His "night terrors" totally disappeared when he went on seizure meds. This was one indicator to the doctors that these probably really were seizures and not night terrors. Sleep disorders don't go away with medication.

Epilepsy is a tricky disorder. It can be hard to treat and evasive to testing. Since the EEG is trying to read what's going on inside the brain from the outside of the skull; there is a certain margin of error to scalp monitored EEG's. Approximately 10% of the people with Epilepsy can actually have a seizure while attached to the EEG in which the EEG doesn't read it as a seizure. This is most common in patients who have discharges that are very deep in the brain and not strong enough for the EEG to read from the outside of the skull. When this is suspected, or there is some legion in the brain; sometimes doctors will do an intra-cranial EEG. In this procedure, they open up the skull and put electrodes right on and/or in the brain. This type of monitoring is usually about 5 days and requires a stay in the ICU.

"Boo's" Seizures

Now, so much for that little lesson on Epilepsy diagnosis: what about this kid?

My son's EEG showed discharges all over the brain. As his medication levels dropped; the abnormalities began to show on the EEG. As a few days passed, the discharges became more complex and longer. So thus, the doctors came to the conclusion that yes, my son has some sort of seizure disorder even though no obvious seizure was recognized at the point he'd left the hospital.

Now had he had a seizure the doctor's missed? That I won't know until his neurologist gets a chance to take a good look at his entire EEG. Nothing "BIG" happened; but he did have some occurrences that still needed to be looked at by the time we left. Since it was a holiday weekend and there was only one doctor and one tech; they didn't have time to throughly go through everyone's EEG. I'll know more in a couple of days if there was something on there they missed.

That being said though; Boo did have a Merry Christmas. At least as merry of a one as can be had in a hospital!

And of course - some of his favorite "loot"

And watch the animals!

Happy New Year!

May 2010 be a good one!

Letters From the Eye of the Depression

Oh my gorsh - what a long time since I've posted.


Little update on what I've been doing. (I have not been idol.)
Been working on a long time project of mine.

Letters From the Eye of the Depression
A school teacher's journey to the arctic and back through the storm of the 1930's

(yup - been working on a book)

My grandmother taught school in Alaska during the 1930's. She wrote all these letters to friends of hers while she was up in Alaska. One of these friends (Peggy) kept all these letters stashed away in a closet for some 70 odd years; pretty much forgotten about - until she went into a nursing home and her family was cleaning out the house. Well they stumbled across these letters; which "mysteriously" showed up on my grandmother's front steps one day (in the hands of one of my uncles of course) to be visited upon by a world unbeknownst to their presence!

Well, to make a long story short - I've been working on transposing these letters onto the computer for quite some time now. There's some 7 or so years of letters here. In the midst of this of course - I've been doing a lot of research on the Alaska of the Great Depression! Been fascinating; as these projects always are to those of us who have an undying enchantment for what has thus passed into the books of history!

So here's some old pictures of Sanak Island (circa 1934)

this one is of one of my grandmother's students

her name was Annie.

I'm continuing to investigate her story;

she was murdered during WWII.

The killer was never found!

This was out the back door of the school.

The docks are where the mail and supplies came in;

about once a month!

This is a picture of her class. Not all the students were present though.

She taught in a one room schoolhouse - 1st to 8th grade.

The building was heated by one coal burning stove that sat in the classroom.

The kids spent the Christmas of 1934 by the only Christmas tree on that part of the island.

The tree was in the schoolhouse.

They had a party "at school" on Christmas day.

They opened their presents and got a chance to swing at a pinata for some candy.

Most importantly though; everyone had a warm place to gather;

since some of the families did not have adequate heating in their own homes.  

This is a picture of my grandmother and one of the girls who lived on the other side of the island

Linette was her name and she was from Pauloff Harbor

Kids and Faith - (how they "get it")

(Pre Script)
Just a little update before we get into “the post”!

I got the results back from my son’s sleep study. “Boo” does not have sleep apnea. Matter of fact; he does not appear to have any sleep disorder! This is good news; because even though we now know for sure his sleep disturbances are actually seizure related - it eliminates the complications a sleep disorder would bring to the picture.

Another branch in the hedge has been pruned - we know now we don’t need to go down this road! On to the next branch!

Kids and Religion:
Well since this post is about kids and faith; I will openly admit that since the kid I know the most about is my own - this will mostly be about his journey. Granted, this child sees his world through the lense of Autism. Even so; I think many pearls of wisdom can be gleaned from our experience on this journey.

Most people want to raise their children in their own traditions - religious traditions or not. As for traditions; yeah, we celebrate all the “traditional (mass majority of) American(‘s) holidays”. We just try and keep it simple and leave it to the interpretation of what ever the individual wants to make out of it. At the heart of it though; traditions are not what’s important to me. My goal is not to raise my son in any religion. My goal is that he see there is a Father in heaven he can depend on. A God that he can have a relationship with; not just a bunch of rules to follow.

Discipline and Empowerment:
(Knowledge is Power)
Just like most of us when we were kids; “Boo’s” journey on this road started with “discipline”. Now granted that has a whole lot of connotations for a whole lot of different people. Me, being the insecure parent who had no idea what to do; read all the books on “discipline”. The vast majority of which - when whittled down to their base message - consisted of: “Be consistently punitive” (and give the kid a warning before you “correct” them”).

Well, I was consistently punitive; always giving “Boo” his warning. He never seemed to understand the warning though and just went about and did things anyways. Come to realize much later that even in neurologically typical children; that “behavior” has certain developmental components to it.

A child’s brain develops by input; so as soon as they figure out how to mobilize from one place to another - their out looking for input! Of course because the neurons in their brains are just beginning to pattern memory; the fact that they were told “no” two minutes ago doesn’t usually “stick” - even if they’ve demonstrated in a past situation that they know what the word “no” means. Very young children lack the ability to transfer a skill learned in one situation to other situations. As more neurons make their connections; children learn to master the transference of that skill. For Autistic kids though; the transference of skills remains problematic through out life. This is why Autistic children commonly have to be taught everything. They don’t just “pick it up”. Even in the neurologically typical child; attainment of language and attention remains a fluid process until good connections are laid down. So in a very real way the child may not actually know what “no” means at every opportunity it’s presented. (Parents of creepers and twaddlers - keep that in mind.)

As for my son, my goal was compliance; but what I “got back” was not an obedient child. It was an angry, sullen and fearful child. A child prone to episodes of self injurious behavior. (He used to slap his face with his hands and pound on his thighs with his fists.) A kid who’d frequently “melt down” and occasionally come out swinging. What ever lesson I thought I was trying to teaching him; he wasn’t “getting it”. He was almost 3 years old and I had a sinking feeling in my subconscious that I’d screwed something up. It wasn’t suppose to be like this!

Usually “church folk” weren’t much help; since most of them were doing the same things I was and their only advice was to do more of it and do it more consistently. (What ever that meant.) Here is where I think “Boo’s” neurological differences are a God send; they made momma wake up a little quicker to the fact that if I didn’t change paths real quick - I would create the child that I had been. Or yet worse; I’d create a juvenile delinquent.

Parents and the Child’s Perception of God:
I knew that it’s commonly said that most people’s perception of God originates with what kind of parents they had. Especially the concept of God the Father. The type of Father God is perceived as, usually gets tainted by our own negative human experiences with our earthly dads. The degree of pollution any individual’s concept of God may be sullied with, can very greatly. Usually the more punitive the religious family is; the more of a “bad rap” God gets. The problem; (as well as the fact of reality) is that parents are sinners and adults often screw things up. Years don’t always make us wiser and our kids can see that quite clearly. Parenting takes a great deal of humility!

So these were the things that were spinning around in the back of my head. As “Boo” got older and his disability became more pronounced. I knew any concept of God he’d ever come to understand was not going to come out of theological study; since he struggles greatly with processing language. No, anything he was going to learn; was going to come out of experience. This revelation of course, brought me to the question of: What was I going to teach him about God through my own character and actions? The need for a change of approach became obvious. My goal than became to care for “Boo” to the best of my ability; in the same manner as God cares for me. This meant I’d have to really hone the skill of being compassionate and understanding. I’d have to be gentle. I’d have to be thoughtful, creative, and unconventional. I’d have to “think outside the box” so to speak and I’d have to lead by example.

I knew at that point that corporal punishment was not effective with this child; nor was it turning out to be a very wise choice for myself. I was frustrated and angry and occasionally leaving bruises on “Boo” with my “no no sticks”. Finally I took all the wooden spoons off the stove and stuck them in a Good Will bag to go out with the next bundle of stuff. It wasn’t too much longer though when things at home would get to a breaking point and I’d leave with “Boo”.

My husband’s tolerance for dealing with his own frustration wasn’t any better than mine. He figured that once the kid was tired of having a sore bottom; he’d “get it”. That never happened though and I realized that if I didn’t do something; “Boo” was going to get hurt. So, one Sunday evening; after an intense day of arguing over (of all things) “Boo’s” blanket - my husband stormed out of the house; I called a domestic violence hotline and we went to a shelter.

We were in the shelter for about a month and after being permitted one evening’s deliberations with my husband; I decided we’d go back home. I had two conditions though that had to be met. He had to agree to counseling and verbally and physically unloading his frustration on “Boo” would not be permitted. I was pretty firm and distinct on my point that if he lost control of himself and started hitting “Boo”; I would call 911 and he would go to jail. He agreed to this and we went back home. Fortunately (most so for him) he was able to uphold his end of bargain.

In the midst of all the chaos of Social Services and Child Protective; I decided it was time for me to bravely face my own demons. When the investigator came to the door; I sat down with him in our kitchen and to this day still recall “Boo’s” reaction. The man introduced himself and began to explain why he was there. “Boo” was in the kitchen and could comprehend enough of what was said to come running up to me; crawling up into my lap and putting his hand over my mouth. “Mommy no talk.” he said. I calmed him down and explained to him that if things were ever going to get better; we had to talk. We can’t fix this if we don’t talk about it.

It was at that point I realized how very scared this child was. I had seen his fear at times when we were in the shelter. One day I’d taken him to the mall and called a friend of mine on my cell phone to arrange to meet with her. “Boo” was sitting in his push-chair with one of his blankets while I was talking on the phone. He had his head down with his blanket curled up close to him and at first I thought he was asleep. When I took a closer look though; he was staring at the carpet. I asked him if he was OK and he started to cry. I explained to him as best as I could gather that he’d understand; none of this was his fault and that mommy and daddy had some things they really needed to fix.

I had been told by a few “friends” of mine; that the only reason “Boo” was afraid is because I’d created all this instability in his life. I had taken him out of his home and away from his dad, into this place where all these “other people” did not have our best interests in mind. I’d almost believed that until we’d gotten back in the car after our mall outing to head back to the shelter. “Boo” asked if we were going home and I’d just first assumed he was talking about the home we’d left. When I tried to explain to him why; he interrupted me and said “No, the other home!” At that point I’d realized - “Boo” was talking about the shelter.

“And I will praise You in this storm
and I will lift my hands,
‘cause You are who You are; no matter where I am.
And every tear I’ve cried, You hold in Your hands;
You never left my side, although my heart is torn;
I will praise You in this storm.”

We’d only had a few CD’s in the car when we left that fateful Saturday afternoon. One of them was a Casting Crowns CD; of which I’d actually won on the radio about a month prior. The album was “Life Song”. “Boo” liked Casting Crowns and I’d called in to win the CD on account of that fact that he liked that one particular song. (Praise You in the Storm) Little did I realize that at the time I’d won the CD - that it wouldn’t be long before we would really need it. Strange as this sounds; I think God used the experience and the CD as a turning point in “Boo’s” life. Those times of course were a turning point in all of our lives. For “Boo” though; I think they were of great spiritual significance. He learned that God was available to lean on in times of trouble; even when the rest of the world forsakes you. God will take you up in His arms. We prayed a lot, we cried a lot and we sang a lot.

About a year would pass and “Boo” (and I) would get another “lesson”.

Faith in Action -
Repentance and Restoration:
The apartment we’d been living in was in need of repairs; so, we had to move. In the midst of packing up “Boo’s” room I found one more “no no stick”. (Later I’d find one other one in my room. That one got stuck in a box with a bunch of books of mine.) I thought and prayed for a long time about what to do with this “no no stick”. I could just throw it out and forget about it; but for some reason that didn’t seem to “cut it”. I thought it important that “Boo” know that I acknowledged that hitting him with them was wrong. I needed to apologize to him and I thought it important that I did not hide my sin against him from him!

I wasn’t sure what to do and Easter was coming up. I wanted to explain Easter to “Boo” and that death and resurrection was as much about changing people’s lives in the here and now; as it was about a future new heaven and new earth. After all; Jesus came to free us from our sin and give us victory in this present life.

So on Good Friday; I stuck this “no no stick” in my purse and took “Boo” up to a monastery that was in our area. Why I choose that particular spot - I wasn’t sure; other than it had a beautiful view out the front window. At first “Boo” was afraid to go into this place. We’d stopped going to church for at least the previous year; do to a string of bad experiences. Of which these bad experiences usually involved admonitions to me about “disciplining” “Boo.” It had gotten so bad that “Boo” was having anxiety attacks when we pulled into the parking lot of one particular church. After about the third time that had happened. I stopped, took one look at him, put my seat belt back on, turned the car around and left. Needless to say; we never went back to that church.

After I’d managed to coax “Boo” into the monastery (it was pretty cold outside) we sat in the front vestibule looking out the window at the rolling hills. We were only there a few minutes as he nervously squirmed around. Finally I began to explain to him why we were there. I told him I needed to talk to him about something very important; than I pulled the wooden spoon out of my purse. “Boo” suddenly got real quiet. When I asked him if he remembered what this was; he whispered “It’s a no no stick.”

At that point I started to cry as I was trying to explain to him that I wanted him to understand what Good Friday and Easter Sunday were all about. I told him that Jesus died on Good Friday and he died to save people and change who they are. I told him the big fancy word for change is called repentance; yet at that point I was beginning to loose him again. I asked him to come and sit down next to me; although he was too nervous and antsy to do so.

Finally I went over and took his hand and brought him back to the window and had him sit down. I told him that I knew he was scared; but I wanted him to hear me out. I confessed to him that I knew I used to hit him with these “sticks”; but I know now that was the wrong thing to do and I wanted him to know that I knew that. I told him he’d never see another “no no stick” again. I’d never hit him again after that; with a stick, my hand or anything else. After that I pulled out a marker and I started writing on the spoon.

“Do not render evil for evil;
but over come evil with good”

“For what soever you’ve done
unto the least of these;
you’ve done it unto Me.”

After this I asked “Boo” what he thought we should do with this “no no stick”. He said he thought we should hide it under a bush. I told him I thought maybe it would be better if we burned it in a fire. He didn’t seem to like that idea and asked me if he could get up. I let him get up and he walked around the vestibule and than into the back room where this monastery sold bread and jams. I could hear “Boo” talking to someone in the bread room; so I stuck the stick back in my purse and decided to try and figure out what to do with it later.

When I went in the back by the bread; I found that the person “Boo” was talking to was one of the monks. He’d just come out of their afternoon vespers and still had his monk robe on. “Boo” was asking him where the cash register was when I came in. I explained to the man that Boo really likes coins; he has Autism. The monk nodded politely in acknowledgment that my explanation answered his question as to “Boo’s” odd fascination with money.

After that (much to my surprise) the monk asked us what we were doing for Easter. I confessed to not really knowing; since we hadn’t really made any plans. He than asked if we were coming to Mass on Easter Sunday; in which I told him we weren’t even Catholic. We’d come up partly so “Boo” could see where the bread was made. Than I finally got up the courage to tell the monk why we were really there.

I pulled out the “no no stick” and explained to the monk that I used to hit “Boo” with it. I set it on the table and explained to the monk that I wanted “Boo” to understand that Easter was about God changing people; his mommy included. I wanted “Boo” to understand that he didn’t have to be afraid of God. God wanted to help us. And God wants to change us to help us be better people than we are.

By this point “Boo” had grabbed the “no no stick” and was looking for a place to hide it; when the monk picked up a loaf of bread and went over to “Boo”. He asked “Boo” if he could have the stick in exchange for the loaf of bread. “Boo” asked him what he was going to do with the stick. The monk told him they were going to burn it in the fire where they make the bread. It would help bake a loaf of bread. “Boo” smiled and gave the monk the spoon in exchange for a loaf of cinnamon swirl bread. The monk also gave “Boo” a jar of quince jelly. I started crying again and the monk patted me on the shoulder. He wished us Godspeed and a happy Easter and we headed back to the car.

After we left the monastery; “Boo” was no longer afraid to set foot in any church. Still now; every Easter time we go up to the monastery and get some bread and jelly. “Boo” still gets a big smile on his face every time I bring him home a loaf of monk bread.

As for my promise to not hit him any longer; I haven’t kept it perfectly. I think it’s been about 3 times in the past two years I’ve lost my temper and wacked him on the behind. So, I apologize and renew my promise to be a better parent. And “Boo” he does earnestly try harder to follow directions better. So, but for the grace of God we walk this road together.

Where is "Boo" today with God? Well, based on his circumstances in life; his extent of faith appears to be:
Pray Jesus raise me from the dead when I'm scared of my seizures.
Tell God how frusterated I am when I don't get what I want.
Pray when people don't treat me right.
Act the way I think God would want me to act and ask Him how He'd want me to act if I'm not sure.

So, thus is passing on faith to kid's in a "nutshell".
Don't just talk the talk
Walk the Walk! 

Further resources:
Want a good book on all those questionable verses in the Hebrew Scripture?

Thy Rod and Thy Staff
by Samuel Martin

(excerpt from preface of book)
I still have about 700 hard copy versions of the book and I am sending them to
people who do not have Internet access or for libraries or for non-profit
organizations. Any one who would like a copy, please write me at:

In the USA or Canada
Samuel Martin
C/O Kathryn Ralli
P O Box 30755
Las Vegas NV 89173 0755

All other countries:
Samuel Martin
P O Box 21543
New Bet Hanina
Jerusalem 91214 Israel

HAS THIS BOOK HELPED YOU? - HOW YOU CAN HELP OTHERS
If you have found this book to be helpful, I would ask you to consider making a tax
deductible donation in the USA (I do have partners in other countries who might be
able to accept a donation for me – please write me for more information) to a project
that I am directing titled: “The New Foundation for Biblical Research.” Any amount
you wish would be welcomed and appreciated. You can send a donation in the form
of a check or money order to either of the above addresses and I will process your
donation to ensure that you receive a tax-deductible receipt. This new project is
working to provide cutting edge Bible research to help address important issues of
concern to people today. It is sponsored by the Century One Foundation
(http://www.centuryone.org/). If you would like to be a part of seeing more cutting edge
research like this produced, please consider joining me in this new project. For more
information on our strategic plan, goals, and budget for 2008 and 2009, please write
me.

By email: peacelvng1@aol.com or info@biblechild.com

You can also still order this book, please go to www.amazon.com and type in the title
of the book. For more information, please see my website, http://www.biblechild.com/.

Sexual Abuse Survivors - Protecting Our Kids!

I started this post several weeks ago, but got back logged with hunting up statistics. Anyone who reads my blogs - I guess realizes that I’m a big fan of numbers - LOL.

Any way; being no laughing matter - this is a subject I’ve researched rather extensively and is always somewhere in the back of my mind. I started my probe back when my son was a baby. The main reason of course having to do with certain relatives of mine. I knew I had to separate myself from certain family members for the safety of my own son and the sake of my sanity. What followed in my investigation left me feeling like I’d narrowly escaped what would have been a certain hell for my child had I stayed. Right down to the personality traits and life experiences; the profile of a predator fit my brother with an eerie accuracy. It was at that point, I’d known for sure I made the right choice!

Statistics:
Statistical information is a sophisticated double edged sword. It can be empowering, yet also condemning because the sheer bulk of percentiles is not very promising. Here’s a run down of the numbers.

Last census calculated roughly 300 million people in the United States.

1 in every 4 girls and 1 in every 6 boys are sexually abused before they reach 18 years old.
The “official statistic” is some 37 million sexual abuse survivors in the US today.

Just looking at the sheer numbers though; approximating that the male to female ratio in the US to be 50 / 50 (I know there really are more women than men - the statistical difference is not so large to be of a major concern in the “numbers crunching” game though.)

That would be 37 million female survivors alone; and 25 million male survivors.

70% of all sex offenses are committed against someone under 18 years of age.

Forms of Sexual abuse: breaking down the statistics.
About 40% of sexual abuse survivors are abused by family members
About 50% are abused by someone they know; usually friends of the family.
Only 10% account for “stranger” attacks.

Sibling sexual abuse and uncle to niece rank the highest in family abuse statistics. They are about equal in prevalence; yet no real percentiles are known.

Step father to step daughter is the next most prevalent.

Next is biological father daughter; followed by biological grandfather grand daughter.

Step father stepson; biological father son; uncle nephew.

Finally is mother child. This form of sexual abuse does not have a whole lot of statistical data on it; so the percentage of prevalence is not really known. Instances of mother child sexual abuse seem to be divided equally among male and female children. Of all the cases known; the mother has some documented mental illness and this form of sexual abuse was usually associated with punishment for perceived sexual misconduct upon the part of the child.

Outcomes:
Of those “official statistic” of 37 million survivors; only about 20% of adults report being victims as children (27% women, 16% men).

Of those who report abuse, only 10% go into counseling.

Of 10% who go into counseling; I believe it’s less than 5% who stay long enough for the counseling to have a long term positive impact on their life.

Of the less than 5% who stay in counseling; less than 1% break ties with the abusive family.

Sex offenders:
40% of adult male sex offenders claim to have been sexually abused as children. (50% of female prison inmates report being sexually abused as children. Of registered sex offenders though, only 1% are female. So the vast majority of female prison inmates are incarcerated for crimes other than sex offenses.)

The accuracy of this reported 40% statistic is questionable though. In the early 80's, a study was done on children who were documented by the child protective system as having been victims of sexual abuse. This study was done in 5 different states constituting over 5000 children. Authorities kept a record of these children regardless of whether or not they’d received counseling and waited to see if any of them would show up later in life on sex offender registries. To date; not a single one has! Looking at the profile of a pedophile though; (which I will be covering in a few paragraphs later) this is not surprising.

Survivor’s Children:
When I researched this topic; I could not find any statistics on the prevalence of the victimization of children of adult survivors. I’m sure the statistics are out there somewhere. Sometimes it’s just a matter of Googling the right word to find what your looking for. Unfortunately though; I was unsuccessful at tracking down this particular statistic. If I were to make an educated guess though; I’d say the prevalence of victimization of survivor’s children is probably higher than that of the general population. The reason I say this is that survivors usually have 2 factors working against them.

1. The low percentage of survivors in any sort of recovery / counseling.
2. The profile of victim a sex offender is seeking.

There’s certainly no doubting that the statistical cards are stacked against the survivor of sexual abuse. Since most survivors are not in any sort of counseling or recovery program; they lack the knowledge to know how to avoid the pitfalls that lay in their path. Substance abuse, eating disorders, depression and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) have their highest prevalence in the sexual abuse population. The statistics run any where from 50% to 75% or 80%; depending on what outward behavioral characteristics are being looked at.

Survivors who are not in recovery, are also at higher risk of not forming secure attachments to their own children; on account of lack of a model in their own lives. This is especially true of family sexual abuse. The dynamics of a family with that level of dysfunction; makes that skill impossible to attain within that family system. This in and of it’s-self makes a survivor’s children more of a target for a pedophile; on account of the fact that the pedophile is looking for a “detached child” to begin with. The goal of the pedophile is not to get caught and the child who has a secure attachment to his/her parents does not make a very good target. Securely attached children don’t easily fall victim to the wooing of a predator because their emotional needs are being met.

Another very common pitfall for a survivor who is not in recovery is good ‘ol denial! Denial it’s-self is (in certain sense) part of the recovery process. It’s not a coping mechanism that we can afford to hold onto though. And here’s why!

With the exception of an outright stranger attack; (which are rather rare in comparison to other predator profiles) sexual offenses don’t just “jump out” upon a child. 90% of the time there is a process that occurs before the abuse commences. Along that “time frame” (which can very) many red flags go up along the way. The amount of parental denial will have a direct impact on the child’s risk factor for victimization. Poor personal boundaries upon the part of the parent will invariably create poor personal boundaries upon the part of the child. The only point where this may very; (parent has good personal boundaries, but child does not) is amongst the developmentally disabled population. (Developmental disability is a risk factor in and of it’s-self.)

The other specter that runs hand in hand with denial is lack of knowledge. Many of us have the desire to protect our child from what we ourselves endured; yet we lack the knowledge of what to look for. Fortunately though, this is a skill that can be learned! Here’s what commonly happens though.

Because of lack of knowledge of what constitutes healthy boundaries; many survivors miss the fact that the “nice guy factor” in and of it’s-self should elicit caution. Drawing on the experience of being a needy child and inadvertently recreating that in our own children; many survivors don’t realize that the man who so eagerly plays to “meeting the child’s need” - is really looking to meet their own “need” instead. Now granted there are many adults who’s motivation is not abuse. The distinguishing factor between those people and the sexual predator is that the true helper’s primary interest is in adult relationships; both romantic and friendships.

Another contributing factor that can stand in the way of a survivor adequately protecting their children is their own belief system. Now “belief systems” aren’t just religious or philosophical; although religion and philosophy entail part of all of our whole belief systems. Beliefs that most commonly get in the way are misconceptions about child development. Here is another example of where knowledge is power. A parent who makes it their business to be well versed in child psycho/social development is going to know what the “right amount” of knowledge / curiosity is for a child at any given stage of development. This is very helpful in recognizing the first signs of something “not being right” should they occur. Subtle changes in a child’s behavior can give us a real “heads up” before serious disaster strikes.

Another commonality for survivors is that our thinking can become distorted. Many of us fall victim to overly controlling systems and people who don’t encourage independent thought. We can easily become ensnared into groups who give us ritual and rules to follow wherein to “find approval”. This of course is very dangerous and certainly counterproductive to our own development of our sense of self. We are never going to know who we really are and what we’re really made of if we don’t step outside of the boxes that other’s would wish to shove us into. Sometimes it’s a real challenge; but finding our own voice is well worth the fight!

And!

Last but not least; the single most biggest factor is:
If you know someone has a history of victimizing children;
 
KEEP YOUR KIDS AWAY FROM THEM!!!
 
If “dad” did it to you; he’s probably gonna do it to your kids. Here is where a network of support becomes extremely important. Abusive families are immensely manipulative, self serving and in a lot of ways, very underhanded. Because predators bear a narcissistic sense of entitlement, lack empathy and are compulsive liars; they pose a huge threat to safety and mental wellbeing of us and our children. It can be very hard to get untangled from the dysfunctional system; but your literal existence depends on it. More survivors take their own lives than any other sub-category of the suicide statistic. We owe it to ourselves and our children to do better than our parents did!

We are the Borg! Resistance is futile!

(Please go to sleep)

Star Trek jokes run thick around here!

Any one who's ever done a "sleep study" "gets" this picture. (And yeah yeah; I certainly know that at a "sleep study" you don't usually get a whole lot of "sleep".)

We just recently did one of these in hopes of determining whether or not sleep apnea is an issue for "Boo". The main reason for this study is because there is a contra-indication on one of his meds that if you have sleep apnea; don't take this drug - (it could cause you to stop breathing - and not breathing is not good for anyone - Borg included!).

Now Boo doesn't snore; which is usually what people think about when someone has sleep apnea. Snoring is most commonly associated with "obstructive sleep apnea" - where the soft tissue in the nasal passages blocks the airway. There is another type of sleep apnea that isn't hardly as common. It's called "central (or central nervous system) sleep apnea" - this is where the brain fails to send a message to the lungs to breath. Only about 10% of people with sleep apnea have "CNSSA"; and of those who have it, more than half of them also have Epilepsy. What happens is; once the CO2 level starts to rise - the "panic button" in a different part of the brain will go off and send a message to the body to breath. This is usually accompanied by a "myoclonic jerk" and often times in Epilepsy patients, will be accompanied by a seizue. Sometimes though it's hard to tell which came first; the apnea or the seizure.

Myoclonic jerks will sometimes happen in people who have no neurological issues. It's most prone to occur when you are very tired and just getting ready to fall asleep; than all the sudden you jump. Most of us have probably experienced this - it's very annoying when it happens - but it's actually there to protect us. It's a fail safe mechanism in the body. When the brain is not getting an adequate message from any part of the body it will "shock" us back into consciousness because it thinks either we or the limb are/is dying. If we are laying on our arm or something and cut off our own circulation (because we are so tired that we don't realize we are laying on our arm); of course our bodies can't let us stay that way. So it will send a shot of adrenalin to "wake" us up. Constant or consistent myoclonic jerking is usually indicative of either a tumor in the brain, or a seizure disorder.

Needless to say; "the baby Borg" finally did fall asleep in his little "El-cove". (Took a while but they did get some data on him.) We left the center at about 5 AM. (Uhhh) and hit Denny's for a (very early) breakfast! Needless to say; the rest of the afternoon we both spent catching up on our sleep!

It worked out well in the end though; on account of the fact that we got in for the actual sleep test the day we'd seen the doctor. I over heard the secretary that they had a cancellation that night so I asked if we could have the slot! No Problem! Worked out great - for by the time we get to the neurologist this month - the sleep study test results will be in! (Big Help!)

One more step in this process!

How do I think the results will come out? Not sure. "Boo" didn't have an "eventful" night. That in and of it's-self may tell us a lot though; since I think sleep apnea is a condition someone has all the time. The fact that he didn't appear to me to have any apnea episodes; could indicate that the myoclonic jerking he frequently exhibits in his sleep is seizure related.

 

We'll see? Another piece in the puzzle potentially solved?

(P.S. - the continuation of the "faith" posts - defining "truth" is / will be posted on my other blog.)
Footprints From the Grave.
http://footprintsfromthegrave-biblestudypage.blogspot.com/

Faith? (Take Two)

OK Peeps - I was gonna post on “Truth”; which I still will do only I may post it on my other blog because it’s gettin kinda “academic”. Maybe I will post it on this one - I don’t know - haven't decided.

Any how I will continue the rest of this post and than post on “truth”.

Sound good?
OK!
LOL

Faith as Applied in terms to God:
Back to our original questions of what is faith and where does it come from?

Well, we've defined our words "faith" and "belief" as trust. In this context - trust in God. Do we "trust in" God; or more importantly - Do we trust God? Notice the question isn't: Do we give intellectual ascent to idea A, B, or C? Nor is it: Do we perform task X, Y, and Z? The question is: Do we trust God?

Hum? Good question - What does trust in God look like?

Trust in God has a tendency to manifest it's-self in certain ways. The first obstical we come up against is ourselves. What do we think about our own understanding of God? Do we think we "know" Him? Do we think we've got Him "figured out"? What about our understanding of how God sees us? Do we think God looks at our thoughts and actions and finds them acceptable? What about our motivations? Are we motivated to act out of appriciation of what God has given us - or are we some how trying to earn His favor? Have we been told that if we subscribe to idea A, B, & C and perform task X, Y, & Z; we can (or might) earn His favor? Do we even think we can earn His favor?

All these are very important questions; for if we don't "answer" them "correctly" - we'll never know what it means to "trust in God" because we'll be too busy trusting in ourselves.

So what is trusting in God? Trusting in God doesn't start with knowing that we don't have all the answers - it starts with knowing that we don't have any of the answers. Trust doesn't start with "knowing God"; it starts with knowing that we are totally clueless about God. Trust starts with knowing we haven't figured anything out - none the less figured God out. Trust doesn't start with questioning whether or not God finds our thoughts and actions acceptable; it starts with us finding our own thoughts and actions dispicable! What about our motivations? Are we trying to "get right"; or do we realize - "Oh ---- I'm doomed!" Do we plead with God saying: - "Oh but I thought A, B, & C and did X, Y, & Z" - or do we look at A, B, & C and X, Y, & Z and say: "Excuse me Lord - I think I'm gonna go get sick."

Presenting our "offering" to the Lord starts with the realization that we aint got nothing to offer!

(Nothing worth His while at least. And yes - this includes our own soul! There aint nothing about our nasty, yucky, sin stained selves that's worthy of God's attention; but out of His love He chooses to pity some of us.)

Thank Him for that!

The next "step" in this road of trust is a certain realization about God Himself. He is perfect, we are not, and He aint happy with any of us! Growth in faith isn't just some intellectual ascent to the fact that hell is real. It's a personal conviction that I deserve to go there! "Fear of the Lord" isn't some vague angst that God may not be happy with me (so maybe I better do more X, Y, Z) - but an intimate understanding that He's beyond "not happy" and I'm in big trouble!

And man, I can tell you that to anyone who ever gets to this point - the idea of a Redeemer looks real good!

Here is the point where nothing but Jesus is even appealing! There aint no-one else on earth who's ever even offered to pay for anyone elses sin; none to say be able to actually do it!

The Origin of Faith:
Now that we've taken a little looksie here at how faith starts to unfold in a person's life - where does it come from? How does anyone get from being totally dedicated to a religion (or totally dedicated to no religion) to being totally spiritually destitute? The answer to this question we've actually already covered. Faith is born out of trust in the truth. All that has to happen is people need to see the truth and the only One who can open their eyes is God Himself!

So, what happens from here?

Well, God has already started working on someone, whom He'd decided back before creation it's-self was founded that He wanted to show His mercy too. (How He decides that - don't ask me - I have no idea! All I know is that it isn't because of anything we've done!) Any how; God kept track of time and made sure that person didn't die before He had wrought His mighty work of salvation in them. When the right time in their life came; He sent the Holy Spirit after them. The Spirit pursued them and started showing them glimpses of God's holiness while poking holes in their wall of denial. It didn't take much till it all came tumblin down like the walls of Jericho. That's the thing about God; He's persistant and He never tires! When He sets His intension on someone for the sake of redemption - inevitably - they will surrender. Who is able to resist the will of an infiniate, all powereful God? For if you could - you'd be God - not Him!

At the point the person surrenders, they finally understand why God was "chasin them down" to begin with. They see that He intends to redeem them and at that point they come running to Him instead of away from Him. Somewhere in this process they become "born again". They don't "choose" Jesus. They don't "accept" him. (That language is no where in the Scripture.) Man is never asked to do anything in regards to Christ. We are simply commanded to believe. And so thus, he who is born of the Spirit does so.

Being born of the Spirit of God makes that individual inseperable from God. The Holy Spirit is as much a part of that individual's life as his own flesh. They are inseperably united. What is the result of this? The person "copies" God to as great of an extent as is possible for them. There is a whole lot of "factors" that can affect the sanctification process. Cognition, disability, illness, life circumstances, consequences of past sin, geographic or political factors can play into this. There's a whole slew of things that can have a role in how God directs people's lives.

Finally, what does this look like in "real life"? Well there's some comon characteristics of a "child of God".

1. Morality
This person will not be continously living a life of sin. They will increasingly grow to "think right" as to what God considers to be holy and acceptable behavior; and their life will reflect that morally more and more as time goes on.

Inherent in this process is repentance. Repentance isn't just being sorry for what one has done amiss; repentance means to turn from sin. The fact that the Spirit of God lives within someone who truly believes in Jesus; (He has actually caused them to believe in the first place.) is the anticeedant that causes repentance. Not only does He work in them to "will of God's good pleasure"; He works in them to "do" it also.

Because God is holy, He won't "stick around" in the squalar of sin. So, when the Spirit takes up residency in someone's life - He usually has a lot of "house cleaning" to do. Granted the Holy Spirit does not indwell everyone. He only indwells those God has decreed would be recipiants of the redemptive work of Christ. So thus if someone professes any belief / trust in Jesus and there is no change in their morality and direction in life; their faith is dead and they are worshiping an idol. (This also goes for anyone on the planet regardless of what religion they profess. If a life does not bear a progressive resemblence to the holiness of God - it doesn't belong to Him.)

Now don't get me wrong; I'm not saying people who've had some sort of moral reformation, have attained salvation; at least in the sense of favor with God. Here is where the question of motive comes in; for often times a moral reformation (i.e. people "getting religion") is simply an attempt to gain God's favor. There are a lot of moral people out there who will end up in hell. On the other hand though; salvation actually creates morality where it once may have been absent.

"Moral people" on the other hand become moral for the right reason. "Doing the right thing" should be something born out of love for God; not out of trying to earn "brownie points" in (or for) heaven. People who have enough will power to keep their sin "between their ears" - so to speak - often are extremely self-righteous and full of pride. Thus ironically, they break the commandments they claim so vehemently that they are keeping; because they have no love.

2. An insatiable desire to know God more (and better)
They'll want to truely know and understand for themselves what's in the Bible. For this sake they'll ask a lot of questions. God is not offended by inquiry. Matter of fact; He encourages each believer to search the Scriptures for themselves to know whether or not these things be true.

3. Earnest desire to know what direction God would want them to take with their lives.
Things such as occupation, where to live, whether to marry or not, who to marry, if there are issues with fertility - do they adopt? How to raise the kids they've got. ect.

4. Love
A growing love for God, the ways of God, fellow believers and people in general. Love at it’s base is not “a feeling” - it’s a choice. Feelings can accompany love, “should” accompany love and often do; but the essence of love is not a feeling.


What Faith and Love are Not:
“Love” does not mean that we become a doormat for everyone, every thing or every idea. There is an innate sense in (almost) everyone that tells us the difference between right and wrong. It’s called a conscience. (Pretty elementary; yeah I know.) Here is where a lot of abuse survivors have difficulty understanding what real love is and what real forgiveness is. Love and forgiveness are not excusing and enabling unacceptable and immoral behavior. That’s called co-dependency! Real love has boundaries - as it should.

Also, love (and faith / trust and truth for that matter) does not mean that we leave our brains a the door. If something “don’t sound right”, “don’t seem right” or “don’t feel right”; we by all means have the right to question it. Truth is something that’s reveled to us as we search for it. Our beliefs in God should never be a bunch of edicts and ideas handed down to us that we never question. Matter of fact; God expects us to search out the truth.

“It is to the glory of God to conceal a matter and the honor of kings to search it out.”

I know a lot of people in “religious systems”. They have an innate sense in themselves that something is wrong. Maybe they can’t quite identify it; maybe they can. It causes conflict in their soul though and they try to bury that.... terror (essentially is what it is); beneath the religiosity of the system they are in. The individuals who fall into this category, who I am the most familiar with; are rather close adherents to either Mormonism, Islam or Jehovah’s Witnesses. They aren’t the only ones though. A friend of mine has an Orthodox Jewish woman who is a friend of hers; who I’d say falls into this category too. I don’t know her though; most of the Jewish people around me are rather “secular”. Of course there are Roman Catholics and “Christian fundamentalists” who I think “fit this bill” too.

Ironically, of the women I know who are fighting with their conscience as opposed to their religious system; a great deal of them are adult survivors of some form of child abuse. One women I’d had conversations with; was a Muslim, who like myself is a sexual abuse survivor. She periodically admitted to still dealing with anger over what had happened to her. Which is understandable. My experience has been that the road of anger is one traveled many times in the journey of recovery. What is a real tragedy though; is that she claims (at least to what she is willing to admit to the outside world) there is a “difference” between Mohammad consummating a marriage with a 9 year old and her experiences.

What?

Now would it have really made a difference in her feelings if her parents had given her to this man in marriage at 6, 8, 10 years old - or how ever old she was when this happened? I doubt it. Would she have been any less angry? I doubt that too. Would she have felt any less violated? Probably not.

Her conscience (the just anger she feels) is actually a testimony of God (the laws of God are written on the consciences of men) to her against theses teachings of her religion. She is angry at this molester; because God is angry too. God does not pick and choose based on whether or not the person has a marriage certificate; who He will hold accountable for sexual assault. God doesn’t see a man raping his wife as any less sinful than a stranger rape. Individuals (both men and women) can be and are abused within the context of a marriage. This of course goes for our children too. God has entrusted our children to us to care for; they are not our property to do with as we please! He didn’t give them too us for us to beat on, belittle or mistreat in any way.

Conclusion:
So thus is my conclusion of my post on “faith”. In these two posts I touched on faith being trust in the truth. The next series of topics will be “What is truth”. I still haven’t decided if I will post those on this blog or in the Bible Study blog? Either way - they will be available to be read - at "some bat place" and at "some bat time".

Faith?

Ever seen those garden or pocket stones that say:

"Have Faith.", or "Just Believe"?

Have you ever wondered what that really meant? Faith in what? Believe what? What do those terms really mean any ways? Is "faith" nothing more than wishful thinking? What does "faith" look like? What does it do? What is faith? Is it believing in something you can't see? Is it just the intellectual ascent to the idea of something being true (proven or not)? Can faith be "mustered up"? Can it somehow be "attained"; grabbed onto like you would pick up an object, a dinner plate for example? Is it a series of actions or ideas that produce some sort of outcome?  Is faith even "tangible" for that matter?

Next question - where does faith come from? Is it something inherent in us? Do we "find faith" in ourselves somewhere / somehow? Do we "get faith" simply by reciting a bunch of words? Do we get it by following a bunch of rules? Where do we find it, if it's even a "thing" to be found? How do we know when we've found it? Or - is it one of those elusive "things" that's about as easy to attain to as grasping oxygen molecules with our hands? When we "get it", how do we know we've "got it"?

If we look in the dictionary; we find that "faith" entails trust; a confidence in something (or someone).

So, if faith entails trust - what is trust?

Again, the dictionary uses the phrase "confidence in something"; (or reliance upon). So, what does it mean to have confidence in something, or reliance upon it? Why would we do that? What are we expecting it to do (or not do) for us, (or to us)?

Wrapped up in the question of what is faith / belief and how does that have to do with trust; is actually a question of "right" and "wrong". Is something "true" or is it "not true"? None of us want to be caught trusting in something that's not true. We loose faith in a person if they've lied to us. We no longer trust them if they've done something to wrong us. This is the same with systems and families, religions and institutions. If we find that what they are telling us is actually a lie; we no longer have faith in them. We no longer trust them.

Now, since we've "figured out" that trust and faith go hand in hand and they walk upon a foundation of truth; we've answered some of our questions about faith.

Question / Answer:
What do we have "faith" or "belief" in? - Truth.
What do the words "faith" and "belief" mean anyways? - Trust.
Do we trust in wishful thinking? - No.
Do we trust in something we think is true? - Yes, usually.
Do we trust in something we think is a lie? - No, not usually.
Can we "pick up" trust - like a dinner plate? - No.
Does performing a series of actions produce trust? - Good question - we'll get back to this one.
Does following a certain set of ideas produce trust? - Generally speaking - no; but we'll look at this one too.
Does trust come from with in us? - Another good question - we'll get back to this one too.
Do we trust ourselves? - Sometimes.
Do we learn to trust by reciting a bunch of words? - No.
Do we learn to trust by following a bunch of rules? - No - (but we do find out if the one who has layed down the rules is consistant)!
Can we find trust? - Maybe - we'll look at this one too.
How do we know when we are trusting? - Good question!

Well, now that we've eliminated some of these questions; in order to answer the rest, we have to figure out - "what is trust"?

We've already sort of "figured out" that trust and faith walk upon a foundation of truth. The next question of course is - how do we know if something is true? Can truth be proven? Sometimes, yes it can. There is some truth that is scientifically provable. There is some truth that is historically verifiable. "Provable" and "verifiable" truth fall along the lines of - if the outcome is 100% consistantly the same. Gravity always pulls objects toward it's center. All historical souces agree that the American Declaration of Independence was written in the year 1776 of the Gregorian Calender. Is there truth that can't be proven? I would venture to say - no there is not. The problem isn't the "proving" of truth, but having a means to be able to measure the proof!

So back to some of our unanswered questions:

Does performing a series of actions produce trust?
This question is answered in the measure of verifiable proof. If we get on a two-weel bicycle and lean too far one way; we will fall down. 100% of the time we lean too far one way; we will fall down. So, based on the consistancy of the results; we come to "trust" leaning too far one way on a two-wheel bicycle will cause us to fall down. The outcome of the action is 100% perdictable; (even if the outcome isn't desired).

Ok, so than what of actions we perform that don't give us a 100%  perdictable outcome? Well, the answer to that is simple. We either continue doing something in an attempt to get a perdictable outcome, or we stop doing that same thing because we don't have a perdictable outcome.

So, does performing a series of actions produce trust? Only if the outcome is perdictable. When the outcome is not perdictable - this is what's called "doubt:". Should we forge ahead in doubt? We can, but doubt doesn't produce trust.

Does following a certain set of ideas produce trust? 
Again, just like the last question; this will depend on if there is a foundation of perdictable truth that upholds the ideas.

Does trust come from with in us?
When considering whether or not an action or idea has a foundation of perdictable truth; we'd have to conclude that we would never know this without testing it. So than; does trust come from within us? No it doesn't.

Do we trust ourselves? 
Only when we've tested something and found it to reside on a foundation of perdictable truth; do we "trust ourselves". But than again; it's not ourselves that we trust, but the outcome our testing has produced.

Can we "find" trust?
In so much as we can discover truth; yes, we can "find" trust. But again it's not "trust" that we've found but truth that creates trust on account of it's consistancy.

How do we know when we are trusting?
When we find truth to be absolutely consistant; we trust it to be real. This is how faith "becomes real"; when it has absolutely consistant results. Does faith ever have absolutely consistant results? Yes it does. I'll explain that in a minute.

"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen"

People often look at this verse and get cought up on "the things hoped for" and the "things not seen" and totally miss the fact that faith is a "substance" and has an "evidence". Now the "things hoped for" are "not seen"; but that doesn't mean that "the substance" and "the evidence" is what we don't see. So, what is the substance of faith? The substance of faith is truth. What is the evidence of faith? The evidence of faith is trust in the truth! OK, so what is hoped for that isn't seen? Well, since trust isn't seen; maybe what's "hoped for" is more trust that what we have no way of verifibly measuring at this point - will one day be "measureable" (or manifest). Remember; when all things are finally made manifest. It's no more faith, but than it's sight! The manifestation of what will be seen by sight - will make our trust in truth complete!

(Yeah, I know - ya gotta read that last paragraph about 3 or 4 times to "get it". I myself had to read it 3 or 4 times and it's my hands that typed it!)

Scary huh!

Next post - we'll take a look at what is truth!